Playing The Greatest Hits Of My Fuck Ups

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I want to read a person’s story and other times I just want to listen to their voice. I get it! That’s why I’ve also created an audio version of this blog. Enjoy them both! Flic x

Rumination and the thoughts that whizz around your mind are, for want of a better word, fuckers.

They may go hand in hand with burnout, anxiety and depression, but ruminating is a law unto itself and quite frankly, I’m not a fan.

It's 2.43 am and I've now been awake for twenty minutes. I've just gone through the usual checklist: checked phone notifications, nipped to the loo, checked in on my sleeping kids , all before slipping back into bed without disturbing the grey fluffy thing curled up at the end of the bed (erm, that’s the cat, not the husband).

I can hear the clock ticking. Street light flitters through the cracks of a bedroom curtain while I settle down to watch my mind retrieve and play some well-worn vinyl. Whenever I'm on auto-pilot mode, I select The Greatest Hits Of My Fuck Ups. It's a heavy-weight volume—numerous records stuffed into one sleeve. A beast to hold but lives in my mind 24/7.

This is the primetime slot for my ruminating thoughts. My mind's network saves all the best negative thinking commercials for this time. I inhale deeply, aware of what is about to unfold. I'm standing at a crossroads, deciding whether to put a stop to this self-sabotaging ridiculousness or indulge in these thoughts. It's now 2.46 am, and so naturally, I veer towards the latter.  

My mind places the vinyl on the turntable—track one, aged 5. Evidently, since a young age, I've been storing my perceived failures and honouring them, never forgetting a single one. The tracks flow effortlessly through the decades-long playlist until they reach last week, age 43. 

Why, oh why, do I keep playing this stupid bloody album? I don't even like it. I'm self-aware enough to realise that I've been playing it a lot recently. The sound needle has been catching on certain tracks: ages 27 (why did I move to Canada?) and 42 (why did I put up with that shit?). 

Playing this album somehow falsely makes me feel I have a choice. A choice to replay life, make it better, learn from it, perfect it, even. I'm dancing with the possibility of being Gwyneth Paltrow in Sliding Doors. I bloody loved that film; definitely wanted that 90’s cropped platinum hair too. It’s true, within a split second, a different path can drastically change everything. But not when it comes to retelling stories from past— that’s just a false shitty narrative hanging around, unwanted.

The worse I feel, the more often I play this damn record. I will listen to it in the background—a soundtrack to accompany my large glass of wine and bowl of frustration. This vinyl needs to be put out of my reach or weighted down and restrained by happier tunes, perhaps one of the Greatest Hit collections titled: Success And Satisfaction, Making A Difference, Influencing A Life, Conquering A Mountain, or Making Others Smile. 

When I talk to the other women in my circle, I realise we all ruminate to varying degrees. Some do it and then magnificently tell their overthinking mind to shut the fuck up. Whereas some teeter on the verge of heartbreak and tears.  Some can ruminate on their own fuck ups, whereas others can ruminate on the actions of others and other peoples fuckwittery. None of them are winners.

If I'm going to knock this terrible habit on the head, then I'm going to need to understand why I bloody do it in the first place. 

Rumbling Rumination

The process of continuously thinking about the same thoughts, which tend to be sad, dark even, is called rumination. Sometimes rumination is referred to as a silent mental health problem because its impact is often underestimated and can play a massive part in your mental wellness. 

As you may already suspect, rumination is common in both anxiety and depression (no shit, Sherlock). It can occur in the wake of a specific traumatic event or accompany mental health conditions, including, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). 

It can be an absolute arse to deal with at the best of times, but ruminating can be particularly problematic when it is frequent, ongoing, and interferes with daily life. 

Rumination tips and tricks

Perhaps I need a list of handy tips and tricks to try out the next time I dip my toe into the rumination pool—or worse even, if I cannonball into it. Maybe the following could help you too?  Worth a try at least.

The distraction post-it note

When I'm about to tread water in the rumination ripples, I'll look for a distraction to break the cycle. I'll have a list on a post-it note and slap it somewhere noticeable so I can refer to it without a second thought. Something along the lines of: 

• Message/call a friend or family member.

• Do something productive in my immediate space, e.g., tidy, prep work. That kind of thing

• Watch some comedy (Motherland, Fleabag, and This Country are my fail-safe belly laugh go to's) or play that film I've had on my watchlist.

• Get creative: journal, write, doodle, paint, or simply write on a hundred post-it notes (bit excessive, but you can appreciate my undying love for a post-it).

• Read my current book on the go, flick through this month's Red magazine, or listen to a podcast. 

• Listen to one of my fave or uplifting tunes.

• Throw on my shoes and take a walk around the block, perhaps a little further if it feels good. Being outside in nature is my instant calming band-aid. Grab a chair and sit outside with my face to the sun.

• Take a deep breath. Take another deep breath. Keep going. Just breathe.

Plan my action in baby steps

Instead of getting my knickers in a twist repeating the same negative thought, I'll take that thought and draw up a plan of action to tackle it.

It's good to outline each step needed and to be as realistic as possible with my expectations. This is to be an overachieving and overworking-free zone. Baby steps are the winning ones. 

Fingers crossed, doing this will disrupt rumination and help me move a negative thought out of my head.

Forgive and forget the fuck ups

I often ruminate when I think I've majorly fucked up or when something terrible has happened that I feel responsible for. Self-blame is my default. Next time, I'll try to remember that the troubling thought might not be accurate. This may help me stop the ruminating cycle because—most often than not—I'll realise the thought is absolutely bloody ridiculous. Remember, just because we think it, it doesn’t make it real.

Readjust and be realistic with goals

Time to ditch perfectionism and any unrealistic goal setting. They are both a one-way street leading to destination rumination. Negative self-talk and self-blame are the only things to come out of walking down this street, for me.  

I'll try to set more realistic goals that I'm capable of achieving, thus reducing the risk of overthinking my own actions. Bingo. 

Enhancing the old self-esteem

Probably no real surprise, but it's a fact that lack of self-esteem can be associated with increased rumination.

Boosting and enhancement of self-esteem can be accomplished in many ways (*grabs post-it note and scribbles: must write blog post on this topic*). When we build on our existing strengths, a sense of mastery can be added, which can, in turn, enhance our self-esteem. It’s time to identify and pull out those mighty strengths from your bag of tricks. This can be done at the same time as shoving those bloody crazy badgers back in their bag.

Dabble in a bit of meditation

Meditating can reduce rumination because it involves clearing your mind to arrive at an emotionally calm state.

When I find myself with a repeating loop of thoughts in my mind, I try to seek out a quiet space, breathe deeply, and focus on nothing but the breath. At this point, I tend to use guided meditation for these times. That way, I cannot meditate about being a ruminating wanker—it defeats the purpose a bit! There are a ton of guided meditations available out there.

Get some sleep

The minute I wake up from a nap, I always wonder why I bloody resisted taking one in the first place. This is new strategy for me since burnout, but boy, does it prove time and time again to hit the spot. Even if it is a 10 minute power nap, I’m guaranteed to feel better. Sometimes our body and mind really just need some rest. A nap rarely makes me feel worse. Going back to bed after an early start proves to be a winning way to spend a short snap of time. Do yourself a favour and get some shut eye.

Call a friend

Ruminating thoughts ALWAYS lead me to isolation. Talking about our thoughts can offer an outside perspective and may help us break the cycle. I'm so lucky and grateful to have my lovely circle of friends on speed dial. 

Be sure to speak with a friend who can give you that perspective rather than ruminate with you. It's no good having your knickers in a twist only to speak to someone who helps you then ram them further up your arse. Ouch. 

And, last but not least, consider professional help.

If these damn ruminating thoughts continue to play my Greatest Hits of Fuck Ups then there is the risk of them taking over my life. The best thing I can do (and anyone else who also finds themselves in this boat) is consider professional help.

A mental health professional can help you identify why you're ruminating and how to address the problems at their core. This process can help you regain control over your thoughts, detect signs of rumination, and choose healthier thought processes. What's not to love about that? Showing up to our mental health need not be as daunting as we think. Learning how to apply a few Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) tricks is easy.

Rumination can feel scary, permanent and overwhelming, but we must never forget that it is treatable and that we need never be alone in tackling it.  

A job well done

So, now it's 5.23 am, and I've satisfyingly worked out a few things about rumination and now have a few more tricks tucked up my sleeve. I hope you can benefit from this information too. 

I blow out my lovely scented candle. I close the laptop lid and creep back to bed, where I try to contort my body in numerous ways so as to fit around a small grey fluffy cat who has taken up half of the king-sized bed. He is clearly is not plagued by ruminating thoughts or self-blame. He doesn’t give a fuck.

If you have any good tips that you rely on to squash your ruminating thoughts, please let me know. Feel free to share them in the comments or in my social media posts, and together we'll rumble rumination for the better.

After all, no one should get stuck listening to their Greatest Hits Of Fuck Ups . Go ahead, let that album plummet from the top of the charts.

Flic x

P.S. If you know a woman struggling with #everydayburnout please send her this article and tell her from me that she is not alone. 

Burnout and feeling as mad as a bag of badgers can really isolate you, and the one true thing I needed on my lowest of low days was to not feel so lonely. 

I see you out there, Sista. Please hold on, it does get better.